I am exhausted. I am exhausted from the days of stress. I am exhausted from the nights of anxiety. I am exhausted from the depression my past gives me. I am exhausted from the planning of an unsure future. I am exhausted from the money, or lack thereof, for the education and knowledge of an occupation I am not promised to have. I am exhausted from the constant running to ensure myself that I will not be stuck. I am exhausted from how lost I feel where I am at right now, but how it is expected to know where and who I am. I am exhausted from being told how I should feel and act. I am so exhausted from giving and giving to those who do not plan to return nothing; the empty promises others give. I am not okay. I am not happy. I am anxious. I am exhausted.
I am learning that putting myself first is the hardest thing I have ever done. It feels like sacrifice after sacrifice and I cry every time I do it. I want to help people, but I suffer every time I do. I keep swimming oceans for people who would not even think about stepping over a controlled and contained ounce of water for me.
There is so much pain looking for someone to take care of me and even though I am exhausted and cannot find the strength to get out of bed in the morning, I am learning that sometimes getting out of bed on my own behalf is better than getting out of bed every day on other’s behalves.
I truly hope everyone’s pains ease soon. Healing isn’t instant and there is this impossible expectation of instant gratification surfacing, when truly battles are won in years – but described in minutes. I believe in every single individual, no matter your situation or goal.